July 22, 2011

End of 2004 - 2006

Things started to settle down a little bit after the HSC, with me at least. Mum was still in hospital. Graduation soon came, obviously without mum. I felt so sad at the thought that my mum wasn't going to be at my graduation however i felt so loved and supported as i had people making sure they were there. One of the teachers offered to be my 'mum' for the evening, my aunt, grandparents and the rest of my family came so i was surrounded by people. It was bittersweet. A month or so after that i recieved my HSC results. I remember when i got them i was so shocked as i thought i wouldn't have done well considering the circumstances, but i had done better than i thought. 2005 came around quickly after that. After all the crap that had gone on i thought i deserved a big 18th birthday. So i had one. It was great! Particularly because i had everyone in the room that had supported me in some way through the hard times of 2004. And mum was well enough to be there! Looking back, 2005 was quite a good year for me. I still saw L on and off, which was still a help. Mum finally was discharged from hospital and i started TAFE, doing cert IV in community welfare. I remember just loving being out of school and experiencing life without it.

In 2006 I went on to do my diploma in community services which unfortunately i didn't enjoy as much as the cert IV. I think because of this i came to another crossroad. I just became really unhappy again. For some reason i kept on getting sick, and not just with anything i had bad strain of a stomach virus which kept me out of action for 3 months and as a result signifignat weight loss. Then i developed a bad ear infection. With both of these illnesses i was out when the symptoms would happen and because of this i started getting scared if i went i was going to get sick. Over the months, my anxiety towards going out increased, most of the time before i went out i would take a few panadol just in case i got sick or i would take something sugary with me in case i felt like fainting. This is what anxiety does to you, it just takes over you, it's horrible. Eventually my anxiety became so bad that i started obsessing about my health. If something slightly was wrong i would think it was some terrible disease and would end up at my GP. At this point, i was literally going to my GP nearly every week panicking that there was something physically wrong. I was seeing L when all this was happening but i felt it wasn't helping as my anxiety was stagnant. My tafe work suffered as well, mentally i just wasn't there anymore, my marks suffered, i would hand assignments in late, i just didn't care anymore. I was thinking of leaving but it was so close to end that i just kept going. I was sooo glad when it was all over and i didn't have to think about study anymore. Even though i felt like crap, i had a good end to the year as i went to UK with my family to visit my sister who was living over in Scotland. I still have fond memories of the trip. We first stayed in London but it was Scotland that i fell in love with! Seeing the countryside and all the little villages on the train to Edinburgh was amazing. All i can say is it was the best christmas!